35

If you had looked into the blue eyes of a little red headed kid thirty years ago and told her that her life would not end up the way she was imagining it in her head, I doubt she would have believed you. That kid was a dreamer. Dead set on a life that she envisioned because, after all, there were no other alternatives in her childlike mind. She wanted to be a veterinarian or a marine biologist so she could “fix the sick dolphins”. Images of a bride in a white dress gliding down the aisle toward a man dressed in a tuxedo and her future flickered like a candle against a white wall in her head. Thoughts and anticipation about the day the baby doll she rocked to sleep in her arms was a real-life baby sparked an emotion in her that, even at five years old, was quite overwhelming. Yes, if anyone had tried to place doubt in her mind that these things were not going to come to fruition, she still would not have second guessed her life.

               Enter me. The thirty-five year old version of the smaller one from the opening paragraph. Perhaps others could not persuade tiny me that these things would not be the path, but I guarantee you if I could go back in time and tell her a story to come, maybe, she would understand the happenings better along the way. I would kneel in front of her and take her small hand in mine and take a deep breath. I would try my best to explain that life as she expects it to be, will not be accurate. I will tell her that no matter what anyone says to her, she is not a freak or a failure or too stupid. I would caution her to watch who she considers a friend and to focus on school more than she thinks she needs to. With every ounce in me, I would do what I could to prepare her for the weird feelings she would start getting for other girls, and tell her that unfortunately, they will only get worse and more often and will break her heart. I wish to God I could shelter her from the noise of bullying and the silence of family when she finally has the courage to be who she is. But I will tell her over and over how damn proud I am of her. I will make sure she knows that those girls she will fall in love with, won’t return her love…can’t return her love; and that’s okay. It isn’t their fault. Just as you can’t control how you feel, they can’t control how they don’t. Never blame another for not being in the position to love you. Always love yourself more, regardless. I would then tell her to understand that she may not get married. All those wants and moments in her head may never be a realization, and she has to learn to be okay with that. It doesn’t mean your life was a waste. You will know the love of amazing family and friends, and that will be more than enough just in case.

               Then, I would sit down on the ground in front of her and take her in my lap. Holding her like the baby she desires more than anything, I will explain that she will not be able to have children. It just wasn’t in the cards for her. She will cry and get angry and be very confused as to why. It will be that moment when I just hold her and tell her how sorry I am. Yet, with what poise I can gather, I will draw out a plan that involves possible adoption and surrounding herself with the children she teaches music to and the children of her friends. They may not be hers in biological means, but they will be in heart. And they will bring her so much joy. Following, I will tell her to be kind to her parents. I will make certain she knows the importance of spending time with them and telling them how much she appreciates them and loves them because, even though now they seem invincible and forever, they will one day be gone, whether in body or in mind. Neither are easy. But regret is worse. She will know that just because her life takes her a different way than college at one point, that doesn’t mean she is dumb. She will thrive and be rich in experiences and memories. And one day, she will go back, so don’t give up on yourself. You will do great things, just believe that and trust the paths as they change and wind in and out of obstacles and blind spots. You will figure it out and become anything you want to. Because, once again little one, no matter what people try to tell you, there is nothing wrong with you. You are exactly who you are meant to be and where you are meant to be. It will be hard. It will be hard as hell. You will experience heartbreak and anger like you can’t imagine at your age; far more serious than missing recess or dropping your apple juice. But you will grow through them and learn more about yourself and the world around you. The strength you gain will be immense and the knowledge far more valuable than you are aware of.

               I guess what I am trying to say is, you will be okay. I promise. Every single time you think you can’t go on and you can’t make it, you will. Every time your heart shatters and your mind is filled with bad thoughts and voices, just know it is only a small fraction of the amazing life you have. Never, ever, let the bad things win. You have a lot to live for and your life is worth more than you think in those moments of darkness - when you are only seeing the world through tears. Thirty years from now, you will have survived every situation you never thought you would. I just want to tell you how proud I am of you. You will be fine, kid. Trust me. I know.

Revolving Doors.

With a new year upon us, I find myself deep in reflection as I usually do. This year, my focus has been on the people that come in and out of our lives throughout the year. There is a quote that rings true as it states, "Look around. Nothing will be the same in a year" and that is so incredibly true. I tend to notice things more intricately than others. Not that I intentionally go looking for it (though in the past that has been the case) but I find out things I was unaware of. One thing I notice is when people unfollow me on social media or delete/block me entirely. I am offered the opportunity to add a friend I may know that I thought I already was friends with and have a "Hmm. Well how about that?" moment. I used to be offended by this and get very defensive and angry at those persons. How dare you delete ME? How dare you unfollow ME? BLOCK ME WILL YOU?? The thing is, I was being very hypocritical in this way of thinking. It wasn't a fair way of approaching the newfound knowledge, considering, I have done the same thing. I have unfollowed, deleted and blocked people myself because they weren't good for me or my inner peace. I didn't like their negativity or the way they handled situations. Because of this, I would close the tab on their page and not look back. In real life, I would close the door on relationships that just weren't providing what I needed anymore while still getting butthurt over others doing the same to me. It was like, I was allowed to control who came in my door and who I allowed out, but no one could do that to me. Horrible, I know. It is something I have come to terms with about myself over the years. It has only been in the past year or so that I realized, everyone has their own set of revolving doors. People come in and out every single day. And each person has every right who they let in and who they see out. Just as I felt others weren't good for me any more, I had to accept the fact that maybe, I wasn't good for others. Ouch. That is something we don't like thinking about ourselves. But, if we are being completely honest, there will be times we are that negative influence or a person someone just doesn't jive with anymore. It happens. That is life. If we continually surrounded ourselves with the people we have known our whole lives, ignoring the mental and emotional damage they are doing to us, we would not only have a pretty crappy life, but we would never meet those people that turned it all around. Granted, every person that walks in your door comes invited. You welcome them into your life and ask them to stay awhile. You learn about them and they about you. Sometimes they unpack for a lengthy stay, while other times they only take out the essentials and keep the rest packed up, you know, just in case they need to leave quickly. It isn't always easy when they decide they have overstayed their welcome and make the decision to leave early, but it is theirs to make. And no one should stay where they don't feel they can grow or be happy. And you don't get to make the decision on that. But if you pay attention, when those persons leave, others walk in. The revolving door keeps a stead influx of people moving through it. Sometimes people leave through that door so the option to come back is still there, sometimes they leave through the big wooden door that makes the whole house shake when they slam it behind them. If they chose that door, let them leave in peace without taking yours. Our entire life is a series of doors. Each one presenting different options, new people and well wishes. Remember though, doors work both ways. You can make the decision to open them or close them. But too, other people can make that decision as well. Never block a door that is meant to be left through. You can't force relationships. If you have to force it, it isn't real. Just because someone goes along with your forced demands doesn't mean it is what is right. It usually isn't. And it is definitely not fair to either person. Allow people to come and go. Everyone has the right to do what they feel is best for their life. So keep the door available for any entrances and exits. And remember, locking it not only keeps the right people out, but the wrong people in. We all deserve the right to leave when we feel we need to. Let people go when they need to. It's okay. That's what doors are made for. When they leave, always be gracious and thank them for stopping by. I guarantee they taught you something with their stay.

Like, Retweet and Upvote this Blog.

You hold your phone up at the perfect angle to make sure the double chins don't show, that the light reflects in your eyes to produce just the right color blue, you use a filter that smooths your skin and tools that erase that blemish that no one would notice but you do so it must go. What would people think if they saw your imperfections? You post the best of the 31 takes you have captured and put something like, "Ugh. I don't look good today!" or "Feeling myself! Happy Friday!" Then you sit back and wait for the "likes" and compliments to start rolling in. With each small blue thumbs up or red heart or comment notification, you feel validated and important. They like me! They really like me! But what if they don't? You check your photo, obsessively refreshing the page to see if the 1 like has multiplied to 5 or even just 2. But it hasn't. You feel ugly and as though no one cares. Why are they not telling you that you look pretty? Or that your eyes are perfection? The photo has been up for 30 minutes! Why is no one responding? Disheartened and deflated, you delete the photo. They just confirmed what you felt, you are not worth "liking". Welcome to self worth in 2018. It seems, to many, their worth and esteem lies within how many "likes" they get or retweets that are shared or the upvotes they receive. I can say this because I have done it myself. There have been times I have posted a photo I thought I looked super adorable in and it got 3 likes within an hour. 3 likes?? Only 3 people like me?? WELL SCREW Y'ALL I AM DELETING IT BECAUSE YOU DON'T DESERVE TO STARE AT MY ADORABLENESS IF YOU AIN'T GOING TO APPRECIATE IT!!! That is not an exaggeration. That is social media reality. It is affecting our mental health whether we see it, deny it or acknowledge it. We spend so much time picking the right filter and strategically making the photo look flawless, then when it is not recognized by our peers, we feel ignored and unattractive. Why do our lives revolve around how many likes we get on a social media platform? Why is our popularity and status determined by the numbers rising on a typed post surrounded by cats, memes and "fake news"? Think about it. Self-worth is no longer acquired by how well we do in school or how hard we work or dressing up and looking hot for ourselves. We have to share everything. We could feel super proud of ourselves and sexy AF in that new dress, but until the world knows about it and people on the other side of a screen approve of it, it means nothing. We put on a facade to the world and attend an online masquerade party every single day. I know. I do it too. But I am here to tell you that your happiness, worth, achievements and beauty/handsomeness do not fall upon a little thumb on a piece of technology. It is okay to not be perfect. And here is a hard to swallow pill, you never will be perfect. I hate to tell you that, but you won't. But who wants to be perfect anyway? If you are perfect you stop learning and growing and then what? By playing perfect, who exactly are you trying to impress? Who are you trying to prove yourself to? Or are you trying to prove something to yourself? Remember, there was a time when Facebook, Instagram and Twitter didn't exist, but did you stop existing? Did you stop being an amazing human being just because it wasn't on the Internet? No. You are an amazing human being because you are an amazing human being. We need to stop staring into a screen to gain approval and start staring into a mirror. That is where you get your approval. That is where you get your worth. That is where you get your acceptance. "Like" yourself. "Share" your love. "Tweet" yourself with respect. It is a hell of a lot more fulfilling.
#truth #iamalsotalkingtomyself

A Latte Truth For Your Cup

Imagine you are standing in line at Starbucks. In front of you, someone is ordering a latte. You get angry at this fact because you only like macchiatos. And even though you are not the one drinking it and their drink choice doesn't affect you directly, you can't help but let it get inside your head and drive you to the point of sheer annoyance and outrage. It doesn't matter that their choice makes them happy and feel good, you refuse to let them enjoy their $5 latte in peace because you absolutely cannot believe that someone would order something other than a macchiato. How dare they!

Sounds ridiculous, eh? Well, unfortunately this happens a lot more often than people like to realize or admit. Not necessarily in the realm of Starbucks lines, but in situational life happenings. Every time someone does something we don't agree with, we find ourselves so upset and overtaken with strong emotions. Whether it is who they love, what they choose to eat, what religion they are, what language they speak, what clothing they wear, what career they choose....get my point? Why do we care so much about other people in that aspect? If it makes them happy, if it is who they are meant to be, if they believe strongly in what they are doing, why does it matter to us? Literally, it doesn't affect us at all. Until we let it. And even so, we are usually making up ridiculous reasons in our head because we absolutely will not allow someone else to have a life we don't agree with. Yet that in itself is a cop out. It isn't that we don't agree with it, it is that we refuse to take the time to understand it. Nod your head yes, you know I am right. Just because it is something I myself do not decide to do for myself, doesn't mean other people are not allowed to. No one is asking your permission to be who they are. Hard to swallow pill, but your permission is not needed for someone else to order a latte, or marry someone of the same gender, or to worship God, or not worship God, eat meat, only eat vegetables, or wear all black, or wear a head covering, or speak English or Spanish or French or sign language or Klingon or whatever they want to speak. Just because it doesn't fit your palate doesn't mean it doesn't taste good to them.

So instead of worrying about about what is in the cup of other people, focus on what is in your own cup. If you stay concerned with all those ordering a latte, you will never enjoy your grande macchiato. The menu is vast. There is plenty to order. Hundreds of combinations. Each one tastes good to someone. Each choice is a favorite to someone else. Allow people to pick their personal preference in beverage and beyond. Them drinking a latte doesn't make your macchiato taste worse. I promise.

A Place Among the Trees

Oh, hey there! Wow. It seems as though it has been 10 months since I last posted. This is probably because it in fact has been that long. Much has happened since we last caught up. The biggest change being that I decided to go back to school after 10 years and finish the degree I originally started when I was but a young lass. Starting over at the age of 35 has had its challenges, without a doubt. Being back in a classroom with all these young whipper snappers has made me feel ancient. I tell them I graduated in 2001 and they reply, "Seriously? I was just born at that time!" Thanks for that, kiddo. In addition to taking full class loads this summer and 19 hours this semester (who needs sleep or no stress?) I am still helping take care of my father with dementia. Life definitely led me down a path I wasn't expecting to be back on. Or on in general. But, I suppose the Universe lines things up for us and places us where we need to be right when we need to be there. The Universe had a plan, I just had to catch up to it. This being said, I graduate with my Associates in Journalism in December and then move onto ETSU where I will be getting my Bachelors in two years, with a minor in Creative Writing. I have never been more excited about the future. It feels like I finally have a purpose, a goal and hope. Right at this moment, however, I am also thankful to be back in the mountains of Tennessee for a full Fall season for the first time in 6 years. In Florida, we only knew the changing seasons by the different featured drinks at Starbucks. I definitely took the beauty of the scenery here for granted growing up. I find myself going on more drives and paying closer attention to the vibrant colors encompassing me. 360 degree explosions of reds, oranges and yellows produce a surround sound of color and brilliance. One fact I have found is that I relate to these trees this time of year. Especially now with where I am on my journey. The leaves turn from their original greens into something so splendid and beautiful. From small buds grow incredible displays of trees that look to have been set aflame against the clear October sky. They stand out boldly and proudly against their background, unashamed of how they have changed from what they once were. Don't get me wrong. When they were decked out in their greens they were just as worth looking at, because during that season of their life, they were exactly where they needed to be. However, as time went on, they began to slowly change and transform into what they needed to be for this particular season of their life. And the change was subtle. Over time, we began to see the greens fade into darker colors and begin to appear in a different light among the other leaves. This happened slowly until they were presented in their full glory of change. This is much like we change and grow over time. We start out as buds growing toward being something of significance and worth noticing. Over time, we turn into emerald colors as we reach the stage of new life in our story. Our roots grow stronger, we grow taller and we begin to enter new seasons where we continue to change and unfold into our splendor and splashes of cascading glory. People begin to pay attention to what we have become. "How beautiful! I love how the changes make them stand out more so than before!" they will exclaim as they stand in awe of the powerful colors no longer hidden by the greens that all appeared to be the same in color and hue. I like that. I like feeling like a beautiful leaf. A palette of burning embers placed within the contents of nature. Bursting forth with such intensity and determination, shouting, "Look at me! Look how far I have come! I have made it through another season and am still hanging on to the branches, though they sway and try to knock me off at times, I am holding steadfast in my brilliance!" Yes, there will be a time to let go and fulfill a different destiny. But Fall shows us how magnificent letting go can be. And when you do, you will once again become one with the Earth and yourself. You will let yourself go and give yourself the freedom to be so unbelievably fantastic. And from there you will grow and rise once again, on to new horizons and mountain tops. Letting yourself become. Leaving behind the old, while leaving behind new buds to take your place and learn from what you left before them. And they will thrust forth in newness and wonder, finding their place among the trees, because you first taught them how.

Dementia: Piece by Piece by Day by Day

Hello everyone and a happy 2018 to all of you! I hope that this year will bring you nothing but amazing things and all the happiness you are searching for. It has been a very blessed yet stressful time here for us. While it has been wonderful having the entire family for the holidays and making memories each day, it has also taken an emotional, physical and mental toll on all of us as daddy still needs a lot of care. I will be honest, I was never prepared to take care of someone with dementia. It isn't something, I don't think, that you can prepare for. You have to grow up a lot. I mean, I am 34 years old, but I still feel as though this circumstance has pushed me to grow up faster. As a child, you never expect to have to take care of your parent. They are the ones that are suppose to live forever and take care of you. So when the roles are reversed, you have this feeling of fear and obligation both and it is hard to explain. They have taken care of you your whole life. From helping feed you, walking you to the bathroom, cleaning you up and putting you to bed. Now, you find yourself in what seems an alternative universe doing the same for them. It is hard to watch someone you love and admire, who has always been healthy, slowly start to slip into a state of helplessness. You struggle between being in denial and acceptance, yet never fully committing to either. I have never been more exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally in my life. Every time I hear daddy's bedroom door open at night, I wake up to make sure he is okay, or to make sure he doesn't somehow wander down stairs and out the door. I sleep maybe 3-4 hours a night which is nowhere near the 9-10 I used to get. I listen to and answer the same questions over and over again and hear him using my mom's name repeatedly (she passed away in 2005 and I haven't heard him say her name in years). That in itself breaks me emotionally. Some days he knows my name, some days it takes him just a minute to remember. He doesn't know a lot about me anymore. He thinks I have lived places I haven't and done things I have never done. He doesn't know where he is most of the time and sometimes talks as though he is back in the military. I of course play along with a lot as we are not suppose to tell him he is wrong as not to frustrate or confuse him further. However, there is nothing we can do to calm our frustrations or stress or pain. It hurt when mama passed away, it hurt like hell. We will never get over it. However with her, we lost her all at once, and with daddy we are losing him piece by piece. I don't know which is harder, neither are easy. I hate both reasons. The best way I can describe taking care of a dementia patient is being in a relationship that you know will end and there is nothing you can do to stop it. You spend every day with this person, loving them and taking care of them. You have a past with them, but they are slowly forgetting why they are with you and wanting to move on. You know the break up is coming and that one day, they will not remember you and you will have to pass them on the street as a stranger, but knowing they were so much more to you. And it is the hardest thing to realize, that no matter what you do, you can't make them stay. So you find yourself taking more pictures than usual and video taping every good moment so you too won't forget. You hang on to every little thing knowing that one day, when they are gone, they will be the big things. It's scary. I am terrified. But he is still here. I can't anticipate the worst because I will miss the best. If I focus on what will happen, I will not experience what is happening now. It is a game of tug of war and I don't know if I am strong enough to win at times. I just keep pulling, pushing through the pain of the rope burn as the rope occasionally slides faster than I expect and I have to hold on for dear life. But I am thankful he is still here. Regardless of what name he calls me or what state he thinks we live in, I can still talk to him and hug him and tell him I love him. I won't take these moments for granted, because despite the exhaustion, I have never wanted to stay awake longer in my life. 

Long Time No Post: Let's Catch Up

Well hello everyone! Long time no post, eh? I have actually had a few people message me asking me if I was okay or when I would be posting again. I guess we have some catching up to do.

My last blog was a poem I wrote concerning dementia that had developed in my daddy. It has been slowly getting worse over the past six months and everything kind of came to a climactic scene a few weeks ago. Leading up to this, daddy's memory has slowly been on the decline. He would forget birthdays, repeat things in conversation more than once, and even call me back to back to back forgetting we had just spoken. He then began calling me and asking me where everyone was or telling me that he hadn't seen anyone in the family for weeks, which wasn't true as my sister and brother took turns going over every day along with the rest of my family seeing him during the week. He would tell me of things that never happened and would make no sense when we spoke. Fast forward to two weeks ago when I received a call on my phone that showed up "Daddy", but when I answered, it was a police officer on the phone telling me that daddy had wandered out of the house to a neighbors telling them that his house had been broken into the previous day and to call the police. Of course that wasn't true, but the neighbors called anyway knowing daddy was not in his right mind. When the police showed up, daddy was wearing two different colored shoes, a neck tie with his pajamas and was very disoriented. He couldn't recall going to the neighbors nor what had happened. We had discussed daddy moving in with my sister before, but this time my sister took him from the house the night of the incident and he has been living with her ever since.

As most of you know, I live in Florida and my family along with daddy live in Tennessee. I had planned to fly home for Christmas on December the 21st and stay until the 26th, however when I found out of daddy's progressing condition, my amazing friend Sarah bought a ticket for me to fly home sooner on December 7th and stay until the 26th. Though when I arrived at the airport and saw the condition my father was in, it changed my plans completely. It is one thing to talk to someone on the phone and hear them, it is another to see it and experience it in person. I was in shock to see how frail my once muscular father was and to hear the confusion and watching him have to be helped when walking. Over the next few days, I saw that he needed help to the bathroom, dressing and with every day cleanliness and eating. We did take him to the doctor because I wanted every test run that they had to see if there was anything that could be done to slow the process. They did many blood work tests as well as a chest x-ray on him. Daddy couldn't even sign his name nor speak full sensical sentences in the first days of my arrival. That night we found out that daddy's blood work was normal but he was in the onsets of pneumonia. They prescribed him an antibiotic and also a medicine that is suppose to help with the beginnings of dementia. We began giving him those the next day and literally over the following week we saw a large change in him. He still forgets things and is non-sensical at times, but he improved much from when I first arrived. The biggest thing is he wanders at night around in his room or the hallway upstairs. We end up having to get up with him a few times a night to make sure he is okay and get him back to bed. Which led me to a decision...

I made the hard decision to move back home to help take care of daddy. I don't want to miss these times and I don't want to regret not being here for him and my family. I was in Florida when my mama passed away in 2005 and I don't want that guilt again. Daddy deserves love and so much care and I want to be here to give him that along with my amazing family. I am staying in Tennessee until January 18th, then flying back to Florida to pack my stuff and moving back to Tennessee to stay until further notice as of the end of January. I never thought I would be in this position but when it came down to it, the world will always be there, I am young, I have many chapters left to write and I need to see this one through. My daddy needs me. And I need him. This is where I need to be and I feel in my heart this is the best decision I could make. I know life will get harder and harder and so will the decisions. I am exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically...but I wouldn't change it. I get more time with daddy. More memories. More hugs. And that is all I could ever ask for. So for those who send out good vibes or pray, please do so. My family has a long road ahead of us and we need all the wisdom and strength we can get. But especially send them out to my daddy. I love you guys and really appreciate you following me on all my journeys and stories. I will try to be better with posting and keep everyone updated with my life. Happy holidays to all!