MAYDAY!

If you are like me, you cannot stand the thought of not being in control. Whether it is your life, your finances, circumstances around you...whatever it may be. I like knowing that I am the one behind the drivers wheel of my life. That I am the pilot of my aircraft. That I am the conductor of my little engine that could, or could not, or tried really damn hard. However, as of lately, I have felt as though my life is spiraling out of control. I am heading for a telephone pole, quickly losing altitude and chugging toward a bridge that is out. As long as I can remember, I have had a job. And if I didn't, I found one rather quickly so there wasn't a huge lapse. However this time, I am having a very hard time bouncing back. I tried something new, it didn't work so I decided to move on. And it has been the hardest thing of my life getting back on my feet. I am like a turtle who has been knocked over and is writhing back and forth in an attempt to get back to standing and I just can't make it happen. Luckily, I have friends who will pick me up out of the middle of the road so I at least don't get run over. Sometimes they help me back on my feet but then a car comes whizzing by and tips me just enough to where I roll back over. Lately, the words I utter the most are "Well, damn". In addition to this, my father's memory is fading fast. Over the past six months we have started losing him. He doesn't know a lot of things any more and can't remember the simple information. He has forgotten my birthday, that I no longer live in Tennessee and at times, who I am. We will be talking on the phone and he will ask "Who's this again?" Every time, my heart shatters and the pieces sink to the furthest depths of my stomach. And there is nothing we can do. I hate that. I hate that I am not in control. I hate that I can't make him better. I hate dementia. It is the most frustrating and terrifying thing I have ever been through. And I can't make it stop. Continuing, my roommate that I have lived with for four years has decided to move out into a different place when our lease is up in February. I don't want him to go, but I can't make him stay. He has to do what is best for him, and I understand that. But it is a big change for me. One I was definitely not ready for. It feels like my life is completely changing all at once and I am powerless to slow it down. I am screaming into a small radio, "MAYDAY! MAYDAY! I AM GOING DOWN!!" but no one is there to answer the call. So I frantically push every button and pull on every lever to at least give myself a few more moments before impending doom. I loathe not being in control. It is probably one of my worst attributes. I feel like when I am in control, I can determine exactly what happens and how my life will work out. I become my own fate and destiny. I become my own god. But as I have learned recently, it doesn't work that way. Sometimes, we have to let go and let something else take the wheel. Be it God or the universe or karma. It isn't the most ideal solution, but I guess at times we don't really have a choice. And that scares the shit out of me. I know that we are still in part in charge of what direction our life takes, but as of right now, mine is taking me on a completely different path where my GPS doesn't work and I have no cell service. I am having to completely go on faith at this point and hope that I will end up where I'm meant to be and things will turn out the way they are suppose to. I've screamed and cried a lot. It helps some. I write....so much. It helps even more. I am not good with feelings or emotions or vulnerability. I always thought it showed weakness. But I guess, in a way, it takes a lot more strength to showcase those things. I will be okay. I know I will. It is just when you are in the moment and you are careening out of the sky you panic. I do believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe what is happening now is only preparing me for something better. Maybe things have to be lost for other things to be gained. Maybe I have to be humbled before I can be a hero. Maybe I have to stop trying to save the world and try to save myself. Maybe, just maybe, losing control is the only way I can stay on track. That's a thought....