If You Don't Fetch And Roll Over...

Never beg for love. Don't do it. Don't beg for someone to love you are be with you or spend time with you. Never beg for their time or their affection. Don't beg for their commitment and attention. You should never, ever have to beg someone who loves you to stay with you. You should never have to chase someone because the one who loves you won't run. The one who loves you, really loves you, would never let you beg because they will give themselves and their time freely. You are not a dog. You don't roll over on command or play fetch. Then why would you beg? It is degrading and it is demeaning and it is not human. Stop letting yourself be disrespected. Begging is disrespecting yourself. It means you have to have it, that you can't live without it. Lies. You lived without them before and you will live after them. Begging means you do something with a sense of urgency. It also means that you are asking permission for something. What exactly are you asking permission for? Say this out loud: "I am asking for your permission to stay with me. I really need you to stay because I am a beggar (which just so you know, means that you are impoverished with no resources to keep you going)" So is that what you have reduced yourself to? Being a beggar for love and affection? NO. You *clap* Are *clap* Not *clap* A *clap* Dog *clap* Are you so scared of being alone that you will accept being treated as less than you are? That you will get on your knees and beg someone to love you? Will you seriously stay in a horrible relationship because you think that being hurt and disrespected is better than being alone? Think about that. You are literally begging someone who doesn't love you to stay with you because you don't want to be alone. Yeah....about that. Listen to me, you are worth so much more than that. Get up off your knees and stand your ground. Use your voice to scream your worth instead of using it to beg. Be the first to walk away. Show them your feet are used for walking not for chasing. Your hands are used to pick out something nice for yourself, not to grab them and make them stay. Your self worth and your self respect belong to you and no one else. If you are going to beg, use the phrase, "I beg to differ. I absolutely DO deserve to be treated amazing. And I beg your pardon, but you have no right to make me feel the way you do." If you must beg, do it like that. Not to make someone stay. Not to make someone give you affection or love. But to make them realize that you won't allow them to reduce you to your knees or to tears or to disrespectful begging. You are strong. You are powerful. You are brave. You are amazing. You are beautiful. You are not a dog. The only obedience you owe is to yourself. 

MAYDAY!

If you are like me, you cannot stand the thought of not being in control. Whether it is your life, your finances, circumstances around you...whatever it may be. I like knowing that I am the one behind the drivers wheel of my life. That I am the pilot of my aircraft. That I am the conductor of my little engine that could, or could not, or tried really damn hard. However, as of lately, I have felt as though my life is spiraling out of control. I am heading for a telephone pole, quickly losing altitude and chugging toward a bridge that is out. As long as I can remember, I have had a job. And if I didn't, I found one rather quickly so there wasn't a huge lapse. However this time, I am having a very hard time bouncing back. I tried something new, it didn't work so I decided to move on. And it has been the hardest thing of my life getting back on my feet. I am like a turtle who has been knocked over and is writhing back and forth in an attempt to get back to standing and I just can't make it happen. Luckily, I have friends who will pick me up out of the middle of the road so I at least don't get run over. Sometimes they help me back on my feet but then a car comes whizzing by and tips me just enough to where I roll back over. Lately, the words I utter the most are "Well, damn". In addition to this, my father's memory is fading fast. Over the past six months we have started losing him. He doesn't know a lot of things any more and can't remember the simple information. He has forgotten my birthday, that I no longer live in Tennessee and at times, who I am. We will be talking on the phone and he will ask "Who's this again?" Every time, my heart shatters and the pieces sink to the furthest depths of my stomach. And there is nothing we can do. I hate that. I hate that I am not in control. I hate that I can't make him better. I hate dementia. It is the most frustrating and terrifying thing I have ever been through. And I can't make it stop. Continuing, my roommate that I have lived with for four years has decided to move out into a different place when our lease is up in February. I don't want him to go, but I can't make him stay. He has to do what is best for him, and I understand that. But it is a big change for me. One I was definitely not ready for. It feels like my life is completely changing all at once and I am powerless to slow it down. I am screaming into a small radio, "MAYDAY! MAYDAY! I AM GOING DOWN!!" but no one is there to answer the call. So I frantically push every button and pull on every lever to at least give myself a few more moments before impending doom. I loathe not being in control. It is probably one of my worst attributes. I feel like when I am in control, I can determine exactly what happens and how my life will work out. I become my own fate and destiny. I become my own god. But as I have learned recently, it doesn't work that way. Sometimes, we have to let go and let something else take the wheel. Be it God or the universe or karma. It isn't the most ideal solution, but I guess at times we don't really have a choice. And that scares the shit out of me. I know that we are still in part in charge of what direction our life takes, but as of right now, mine is taking me on a completely different path where my GPS doesn't work and I have no cell service. I am having to completely go on faith at this point and hope that I will end up where I'm meant to be and things will turn out the way they are suppose to. I've screamed and cried a lot. It helps some. I write....so much. It helps even more. I am not good with feelings or emotions or vulnerability. I always thought it showed weakness. But I guess, in a way, it takes a lot more strength to showcase those things. I will be okay. I know I will. It is just when you are in the moment and you are careening out of the sky you panic. I do believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe what is happening now is only preparing me for something better. Maybe things have to be lost for other things to be gained. Maybe I have to be humbled before I can be a hero. Maybe I have to stop trying to save the world and try to save myself. Maybe, just maybe, losing control is the only way I can stay on track. That's a thought....

No Matter How You Cut The Turkey...

First and foremost, HAPPY THANKSGIVING Y'ALL!! I hope everyone has spent their day in the presence of family, friends and loved ones. I know that at times it is hard to find the things to be thankful for. Life happens. Things get in the way of our plan for happiness. Obstacles pop up on our road to success. We ride that boat all the way to our preferred destination only to step off the Mayflower in our fancy buckled shoes onto sinking ground. Trust me, I know what it is like to sit around the table as each person begins telling what they are thankful for and having to mentally prepare and rehearse an answer so I don't sound completely ungrateful. But no matter how you cut the turkey, there is always something to be thankful for. That is after all what Thanksgiving is all about; giving thanks, thanks for giving, thanks giving, thanks....giving. There are times when I have to take a look around and notice how blessed I really am. I woke up this morning. I was able to listen to music while I put on clothes in my condo that I am able to pay for. I walked into the living room on my legs and feet to sit down and watch the Macy's Day Parade and National Dog Show with my eyes. I then was able to get in a car and go to my best friend's family's house for a home cooked meal and socialization. It is all about perspectives. Some people or their loved ones didn't wake up this morning. There are those who cannot hear or see no matter how badly they want to. Some are unable to walk or use their arms. Many people don't have a roof over their head or clean clothes to change into each day. Others have no mode of transportation or food readily available. Some people have no family or friends to spend holidays with. So yeah, I may have inconveniences, but I don't have impossibilities. I count myself extremely blessed. Not lucky, blessed. Sure, things bother me. Things frustrate me. Things don't go my way. I have hardships and days things go completely wrong and stress fills my life more often than not, but man....I am really blessed when you get down to the cranberries and gravy of it all. I take it for granted a lot. I know I do. I will be the first to admit that I definitely take a lot of things for granted in my life. It isn't until I step back and look at the big picture that I start to really see. You can look at things all you want, but until you actually see what is happening, you aren't taking it all in. You can hear things, but until you listen you aren't absorbing it. Thanksgiving is a day for thanks, yes. But remember, there are 364 other days where thanks should be given as well. Not only thanks, but giving. There are so many people who are less fortunate than we are. For us to truly understand the meaning of gratitude, we need to understand what it means to have nothing. I have given small snacks and what little money I have to homeless human beings quite a few times. I am not saying that to be all high and mighty, I am saying that because they are some of the most grateful people you will ever meet. And at times I found myself selfish. "If I give them a dollar then I will only have this much now"...seriously? That dollar to them is like a hundred to me. That small bag of chips to them is like a buffet to me. I have even tried to give money to someone before and she turned it down saying all she wanted was someone to talk to. So I did. For nearly an hour outside of a 7-11 here in Orlando. I was like....wow. I take so much for granted. I can text any one of my friends at any time and have someone to be there for me. I can walk into a restaurant at any time and get what I want. I can access an ATM and have money at my disposal any moment. When it comes down to it, the less fortunate are just like us. They want to be loved and understood and cared for. Take every opportunity to use your thanks for giving. Use your giving for thanks. Because the truth of the matter is, Thanksgiving isn't just a holiday, it's a handbook. Keep dishing out kindness and always ask for seconds. 

Clap Clap Clap Clap

I had never actually sat down and fully watched the entire series of "FRIENDS" until recently. Sure, I had seen episodes here and there and knew the basic information, plot etc, but never watched the complete series in succession. As I watched, I learned that everything from the theme song down to the characters was my life. No, I don't live in NYC in an apartment and sip coffee in a shop daily (though I do sit on my couch and drink coffee daily so I mean, the similarities are there), but personality and life wise....I was watching me. Take the theme song for example, "So no one told you life was going to be this way *clap clap clap clap*"....first of all, if you didn't sing that in your head and actually do the claps, do you even really experience this show fully? But seriously, we all have this image in our heads of what life is going to be. And then, life happens. Actually happens. And we are left standing or sitting or sometimes curled up in a ball rocking back and forth screaming, "NO ONE TOLD ME LIFE WAS GOING TO BE THIS WAY!!!!" If you have not, kudos. And you are also a liar. I know that I either think, say or yell this phrase into the sky at least once a week. Why? Because sometimes, my life is a joke, I am broke and my love life is totally DOA. I seriously evaluate what exactly is happening and where exactly I went wrong. For instance, right now, my life is in a snowball effect of bad things happening. I have cried a few times, but now all I can do is laugh, because the crying sure isn't helping. May as well smile my way through it. I am in between jobs so basically, the broke thing, completely relevant. There were 6 consecutive days I ate ramen noodles and for dessert had leftover fortune cookies from God knows when but I know one of those places went out of business years ago. For fiber, I ate the fortune itself also. Love life? I have to Google exactly what that is because it has been so long. It isn't only DOA, it is a DNR with an RIP. But hey, I have myself and I am pretty funny and romantic and own every Disney movie so...who is the real winner here? Indeed, I feel stuck in second gear and as 2018 approaches, I can confidently say it has definitely not been my day, week, month or year. In fact, while writing this, I spilled my glass of milk, so it hasn't really been my minute or second either. But no use crying over it. Heh. Anywho, yes...I am the FRIENDS theme song to an exact description. Depending on the day, I am also any one of the six characters. For instance, today...I am definitely a Ross. I am overdramatic and watching romance movies pining over someone that may or may not have feelings for me as well. Yesterday, I was Phoebe. I was all over the place not making any sense except to myself while my roomie just kept looking at me like I had officially went off the deep end (he was the Chandler at that point). There are days I myself am Chandler. I overanalyze other people's lives while trying to make it through on nothing but a dry sense of humor and puns. More often than not, I am Joey. I spend my days either talking about women, eating food or taking naps. I want to be an actor and become famous but have no earthly idea how to make that happen. So I audition for random roles and own the hell out of them. My friends sometimes have to loan me money and I say inappropriate things at least 99.6% of the time. On the days that I am not in the mood for bullshit, I am Monica. I use my boredom to become overly OCD and I clean up everything I can around me, except for my own life. I become super cynical and on the defense about everything. I feel as though no one understands me and that I will never be good enough. That is why I clean and make things look better, because in that moment, my life is a mess and I have no idea how to fix it. Then there are my Rachel days. Even though I have lived away from home for five years, I still have no idea how to be on my own. I was a daddy's girl (which I am totally okay with and will be until I am 95), but I have no sense of direction when it comes to where to go in life. I am naive and scared. But also courageous and strong. I am a huge conundrum and basically just make it all up as I go along. Regardless of who I am on what day, I am literally a whole cast of characters, living in a small apartment in the city of Orlando, drinking way too much coffee, completely clueless as to what exactly I am doing and looking for someone to be there for me when the rain starts to pour. I will say, I am lucky in the sense I do have those people. The ones who will dance with me in a fountain sporting umbrellas laughing at life because really, what else can we do? I think we all have a little Central Perk in us. And we go home to our purple walls and yellow framed peepholes. And I am totally okay with that. 

Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap. 

I Am Living A Story...

Nearly four years ago, I was struggling with a lot in my life. One of the main issues I struggled with was my sexuality. I had been lying to myself basically my entire life about who I knew I was just to please other people. I was scared of what people would say or think or feel. I was terrified of being alone and being unwanted. On top of this, I wasn't happy with where I was in life in general. I felt I should have done so much more with my life. I wasn't anywhere near where I expected I would be at the age of 31. I was single. I was hundreds of miles from home. My family didn't really talk to me anymore except for my daddy. I felt as though I wasn't good enough for anyone...even myself. I struggled with suicidal thoughts and got to a really dark place. One where my friends took turns staying with me so I wasn't alone. It was during this time that a friend gave me a bracelet. On one side it reads, "Fears vs. Dreams" and on the other side it says, "I am living a story. I will not give up". I put that bracelet on and I literally didn't take it off for nearly three years. The first time I took it off was when I started real estate and needed to look "professional". But it stays right next to my bed and I see it every morning when I wake up. It made me start thinking about what those words meant. "I am living a story. I will not give up". I began to analyze those words and said them over and over to myself. Sometimes in my head, other times out loud. But man, they impacted me. We are, each one of us, living a story. Every day we pick up our writing utensil and we continue writing in our book. Our life. Our legacy. Chapter after chapter we add to the story that is us. Our hurts, fears, excitement, happiness, disappointment, success, failures etc. Every experience goes into this incredibly unique story. No one else has a story like ours. There is no sequel. This is it. This one story defines us as a person. Tells all about who we are and what we have done. Sometimes, it is hard to continue writing. When things break us and bring us down, it takes everything we have to hold onto the pen and keep writing. To keep going. But the thing is, in order to know how the story turns out, we have to continue turning the page. We have to continue adding to the story. If we stop midway through, we will never know how beautiful the story could have became. With the end of every chapter begins a new one. Yes, we can go back and re-read the previous chapters, but that takes away from what we are tying to add to the story and no matter how many times we go back, the story doesn't change. The only way we can change the outcome of the story is to change what we are writing now. Some pages will be smeared with tears. The words will be a bit smudged and hard to decipher. But regardless, the story wouldn't be what it is without them. We are living a story. We ourselves are a book. We have a cover that presents itself to people on first glance. From there, people decide if they want to read further into who we are. If they do, they dive into the story and essentially become a part of it. Have you ever read a good book, like a really good book, and you become so involved with the characters and their lives that you literally feel like you are in the story with them? That is what we do. We become other people's stories. We show up as bit parts and characters that sometimes evolve into main characters, love interests, protagonists, antagonists, sidekicks and heroes. Our stories converge to become novels of greatness. Though we must not lose sight of our own story that we are writing. Your book is what you leave behind. Your words and actions are what people will pick up and read when your story has ended. I for one want my story to be one that people can't put down. That people recommend reading and learning from. I want my story to be filled with adventure and romance and thrills and mystery and fantasy. Your story doesn't have to be one genre, because we as people are not one genre. We are complex and incredible. And for those of you going through a hard time. Who can't find the strength to keep writing. Who have hit a writer's block and feel you can't move past the blank page you are staring at. I want you to do something for me....pick up the pen and write something. Anything. Become the hero of your own story. Don't stop now. You still have so much to write and add. And your story deserves to be a page turner that people don't want to miss out on. You are living a story. Don't, please don't, give up. Because your story? It could be the one someone needs to read years from now. And everyone should be able to experience it. Especially you. 

Mirror, Mirror.

Never let anyone beat you down. Whether with fists or words. 

So many people have been bullied, harassed or made fun of for who they are. Myself included. But I want you to know something; you are more than the words of hate screamed at you. You are more beautiful than the disgusting stares. It doesn't matter who you are or what you look like. Whether you are a size 2 or 22. Whether you are gay or straight. Blonde hair or the ginger kid. If you have a disability or not. Whatever your education level is. It doesn't matter if you can speak perfect english or if it is broken. Despite if your parents are still together or divorced. Single parent or not. Your skin color makes no difference. I don't care how much is in your bank account or what you drive. Your history makes no difference to me. The addiction you struggled with isn't who you are. You are not your situation, but you are become because of them. Whether you have found the love of your life or are still kissing frogs. You are exactly who you are meant to be and where you are meant to be. You are worthwhile and amazing. You have meaning. Don't you for a second think you are not beautifully unique. Bullying is never okay. And I want you to know that, when you look in the mirror, you are seeing someone with so much promise and beauty. Someone amazing. And if you don't see that, get a better mirror or look a little harder. Because screw what everyone else may think...you are you. And that is more than enough. You had a purpose before anyone else had an opinion. You have so much to offer to this world. And damnit, don't you ever, EVER see yourself as less than amazing. 

It is society who is ugly and messed up, not you.

The Sky's The Limit

You are an airplane. Life is your sky. You start your journey to your destination sitting on the tarmac anxiously awaiting the take off procedures before flying off to your next destination. Make sure you stay buckled in just in case there is turbulence. Do not take it off or let your guard down until you feel it is safe to do so. The life air traffic controller waves his illuminated orange sticks signaling that it is okay for you to proceed. You begin your taxi to the runway. As you do, you look out the window and watch other planes land and take off. People returning from or heading to their destination. What did they experience? What made them decide to go? What made them decide to come back? With your baggage tucked safely into its proper place, you reach the point of no return. You take a deep breath, look ahead at the open sky ahead of you, and you hit the gas. You start slowly and as the runway unfolds before you, you pick up speed to ensure you will be able to leave the safety of the ground and end up in the clouds. Once you get into the sky, you wait while things start to even out. Your plane is adjusting to the new altitude and the new position you are in. You ascend higher and higher and get the courage to look out the window at the ground. You see where you have been and watch it slowly become smaller and smaller as you fly further into the vastness of the sky toward your destination. You breathe a sigh of relief as you continue forward. You are on your way. You left the comfort and stability of the solid ground to enter the unstable atmosphere. But you knew that in order to get to where you want to be, you had to get on that plane. You had to trust that the pilot (that is you) knew what he was doing. That's right. Welcome to YOU Airlines. You are the pilot, co-pilot, passenger and technician. You are a complete working airline. You put in the coordinates of where you would like to land and then you sit back and enjoy the ride. Of course, at times you will experience turbulence. Your plane will shake and lose altitude at points. You will be told to hold on and just remain calm. So you do. That's all you can do. But you know that it will all be over soon. You grip your hand rest and close your eyes. You pray. You listen to music. You do breathing exercises. Anything to get you through the uncertain situation you are experiencing. And then, just as soon as it began, it ends. You have maneuvered safely through the storm. On the other side is nothing but clear sky. You continue forward, sights set on where you want to end up. On the adventure that awaits on the other side of this journey. As you begin to come closer to where you are planning to land, the tower starts to communicate your next steps. You prepare for landing and anticipate what will be waiting for you. Your vision from the sky goes from everything being small unreachable to detail oriented. In front of you is a new runway. You line up your plane best you can and start to descend toward to ground. You take a breath and put your landing gear down. 3...2...1....we have touchdown. You glide down the runway until you taxi up to your destination. You made it. You hit turbulence, you were scared and unsure at times, you observed everything you knew grow further out of focus. But you made it. You safely brought your plane to a stop. Now, you will disembark to begin your adventure. You will grab your bags and start making new memories. Then, you will board your plane and take off once again into the sky. Soaring over new places and landscapes and views. With each trip, you learn more about yourself and your skills. So, never be afraid to leave the ground to take off into places unknown. The sky is the limit. Remember, the only way you can fly is to leave the ground. Welcome to YOU Airlines. I hope you always enjoy your flight.